Not Quite Geek Gems: Dirty Harry Potter

Every so often, I find an incredible product. Something that screams "YOU MUST HAVE NOW!" until my quivering digits start keying my Visa number and I'm suddenly a few dollars poorer for my weak will.

Thankfully, Scarlett is kind enough to be OK with my posting a few unused Geek Gems write-ups right here, for your viewing/reading/purchasing enjoyment. Know this, before reading onward: some of these products indicated some fairly strong opinions that I have toward certain franchises/trends/memes/people/kittens, etc.

This one . . . . OK, won't rankle that much. But you cannot convince me this movie shouldn't happen.

******



"I know what you're thinking, Malfoy. 'Oy! What sort of stupid-looking, muggle-made wand is that? Does he even know how to use it?!' Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is what the 'muggles' call a '.44 Magnum', the most powerful handgun known to man -- and pretty quickly, to a snotty soon-to-be-ex-wizard -- and would blow your head clean off way better than a stick with a feather inside it, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky enough to cast a spell faster than a speeding bullet? Well, do you, PUNK?!"

-Excerpt from Sleepless Colin's first installment of a re-imagining of J.K. Rowling's acclaimed Harry Potter saga, titled Harry Potter And The Second Amendment. Soon to be a major motion picture directed by Clint Eastwood.

Go on, get to clickin'! Get your Dirty Harry Potter T-shirt right here!

Crysis 2 A Virtually-Perfect FPS

Though I’ve played a few stand-out titles, first-person shooters don’t rank highly among my most preferred games. That prejudice alone handicaps most FPS titles (admittedly, not always fairly) and amplifies every grating minor irritation like dragging a rusty nail across a chalkboard next to a microphone plugged into a Marshall stack. That acknowledged prejudice toward what I often regard as a repetitive genre that’s ever reinventing the wheel actually amplifies my respect for what a complete, enjoyable game this really is.

Crysis 2 is developed by Crytek for Electronic Arts and powered by the debuting CryEngine 3. Over-the-top bastardization of a single prefix? Perhaps. But when your game looks and plays this smoothly with nary a hitch, you’ve more than backed up the bravado. An engine producing graphics, textures and shadows this crisp, detailed and flawless comes along rarely. Only one other engine truly belongs anywhere near this one in terms of visual presentation, and it’s another engine forever bearing the name of its legendary debut appearance: Unreal.

What sets EA's latest superb shooter head-and-shoulders above nearly every other I've played? Find out right here, right now.

From GamerXChange.net: "Unremarkable coda" or "effective bridge"?

What praise could I possibly heap upon Mass Effect 2 that wouldn’t be redundant at this point?

I’ve heard even critical gamers who consider the presentation too dialogue-heavy and the story too slow-developing and even “boring” concede it’s put together unquestionably well and an exceptional game overall – just not necessarily one they particularly enjoy.

Flip the coin, and the gamers who love BioWare’s opus revere it among gaming’s greatest total-package titles that hits every possible high note a single game can hit, from captivating visuals and practically flawless gameply, to its sweeping-epic story and virtually bottomless replay value. That goes doubly so for PC gamers, who have had far longer to foster and grow their love affair than the console crowd.

But even the greatest of all great things reach an end. Shenmue fans will tell you that. So it goes now that before Mass Effect 3 emerges and likely propels Commander Shepard’s saga full-circle, BioWare resolves the last chord in Mass Effect 2’s movement in this starry symphony with the final downloadable chapter before Mass Effect 3’s late-2011 release,Arrival.

And for all BioWare’s promotional focus on Arrival as a must-have finale to Mass Effect 2, it makes an enjoyable but unremarkable and anti-climactic coda.

Mass Effect 2's developers made precious few overall mistakes . . . . but Arrival continued one of them. Click right here to find out what went wrong, and for more from GamerXChange, my Home Away From The Diner

Big Things Poppin' . . . . Little Things Stoppin' . . . .

If you read this often, you might’ve noticed TigerCubGirl has been posting here more frequently than I have, and I haven’t really churned out a good, proper review or blog in a while. Well, there’s a reason for that, and it means a few changes to how I do things.

I’ve recently accepted two blogging positions that came across my “desk” – OK, more like my BlackBerry and Twitter – right around the same time. First, I’m the newest blogger and reviewer at GamerXChange.net, a gaming blog that launched just this past January. I learned that GXC’s founder, Geoff or @GxC_SimplyG on Twitter, was seeking six new writers a few months ago. I submitted an application, he read and was impressed by my reviews of Homefront and WWE All-Stars, and he decided I would be a good fit for his site. In fact, my first review will post hopefully sometime later today, a run-down of the final downloadable Mass Effect 2 chapter, Arrival.

This is where the changes start.

Unfortunately, I will not be posting my full game reviews here any longer, unless I do a one-off exclusive or feature. If I post the same thing here in its entirety that I post at GXC, that starts hurting my eventual Google rating and costs me searches. What I will do is post brief previews of my reviews, with a link to the website. I hope the people who visit and like the other things I write will similarly be intrigued enough, if gamers they be, to open a whole new window/tab and check out what I do elsewhere, just as I hope you’re also regularly checking out GeekGems.com. This is great exposure that I stand a chance to gain with a more frequently viewed site, and I’m grateful to have an opportunity to continue getting my name out. I may eventually establish a Facebook page solely for my writing under the Sleepless Colin name and check into whether or not I could include a full archive of my reviews there.

Another reason I haven’t posted as much: I’ve taken on something fairly unusual to help make my ends meet. For the next month, I’m a paid volunteer in a Quintiles clinical research trial. For those outside the Kansas City area who don’t know the name “Quintiles”, they’re a firm that assists with the testing of non-FDA-approved medications. I’m undergoing three four-night overnight stays during April and May to help test two drugs that treat urinary tract infections.

For that four weeks of doing little more than laying in a bed watching TV, reading, gaming and letting nurses repeatedly draw blood from me, I’m being paid $2,650. At least some of that is going to end up re-invested in my freelance writing/media ventures. Specifically, I’m eyeing a laptop and a microphone set. This probably won't be my last trial, either. I would like to do a couple more of these by August so I can set aside still more funds. God knows, I have the time right now.

That also means that my writing is restricting to the banks of PCs with high-speed Internet located in the Quintiles rec room. They’re good computers, but I can only use them when available. I’m actually going to try to step up my production during this time, though. Yeah, I know, leave it to me to attempt the most ass-backwards, illogical things possible. But I’m going to try!

That’s in part because of the third big change: at least on a trial basis, I have a paying freelance gig as a new “reporter” for Yidio.com. That means I’ll be getting paid by the 150-word-plus article to summarize and stylize TV and movie news. If I play my cards right, this could be another gig that not only nets me exposure, but lets me become essentially self-employed. I’ve always told Scarlett that I envied the freedom of setting her own hours more than a little bit. Well, now I get to try that hat on for size myself.

The BEST news, though? Writing is about to essentially become my life. I cannot begin telling you the sense of freedom and accomplishment I’m feeling right now . . . but I assure you, very soon, I am going to try.

In the meantime, I hope you all keep reading. Because I don’t see my writing stopping anytime soon.

Forget Disgruntled Postmen....How's About a Disgruntled Sailor?

Uggggghhhhh….stupid s’mores.  I ate so many last week that I tried to walk it all off this week.  I got some good workouts in, but I also got some really sore hips.  Add in the fact that I'm running on 4 hours of sleep, and I’m a total bum today with not much energy.

“Oh, but you can’t be a bum, Tiger!” you say.  “You have a job to do!  You have to sit around and listen to really weird music that nobody’s ever heard of, and you have to convince us that it’s really really really awesome and the bestest stuff we’ve ever heard, and if we don’t listen to it, the universe will implode, and….and…”

Ok, you all probably didn’t just say that.  At least I hope not.  But I’m sure that many of you are thinking I’m not going to have something ready for you to read since all I want to do is relax and refuel.  Though while I’m not much of a multitasker, I’m still able to both relax and listen to a band that is alphabetically next in line and also produces music that doesn’t always require me to get up and do the Running Man.  That band, my friends, is Colin Melloy’s Baroque-pop band The Decemberists and their 2005 story-song album Picaresque.

So enough of my whiny rambling….let’s roll.

"The Infanta":  Ooh, coyotes!  I’m really loving the blend of the piano, organ, and percussion here.  The Cavalry-like rhythm and cadence give it a great bounce and make me feel like I’m riding a horse.  Grade:  A-

"We Both Go Down Together":  This mid-tempo track tells a very Wuthering Heights-ish tale of star-crossed lovers, set to pounding drums, subtle piano, and a light, yet somewhat wistful violin riff.  While the subject is a bit morose, the music has a curious little toe-tapper quality.  Grade:  B

"Eli, The Barrow Boy":  Dear Lord, this is depressing….more death!  First Eli’s lady love is dead (murder? Suicide?)  and then Eli himself is found dead (murder?  Suicide?)….and then, in the last verse, he’s a ghost pushing his wheelbarrow!  Creepers!  The guitar with the very soft accordion in the background does a brilliant job of bringing out just how truly sad this situation really is.  I love it, yet at the same time, I’m getting the urge to go jump off a bridge.  Grade:  A

"The Sporting Life":  Ahh, finally, we go to something a bit more humorous!  Well, at least the percussion and bass work give it that funny, quirky feel.  However, getting humiliated on the football field is really no laughing matter, especially if your coach and family have such high hopes like this song suggests.  Still though, Colin Melloy’s voice works well as the failed athlete.  Grade:  B+

"The Bagman’s Gambit":  Yet another star-crossed lovers tale, but I think government espionage is involved in this one.  The guitar riff is nice, but starts to drag a little fairly early in the song.  Finally, two minutes in, the rest of the band kicks in and juices everything up for a few seconds before going back to just the guitar.  This goes on for a little while before letting a great string section take over on the bridge, transitioning to a big cacophony of sounds, and finally back to just the guitar.  With the lyrics the up-and-down playing of the band is well-done, but at times it feels like it goes on for way too long.  Grade:  B-/C+

"From My Own True Love":  More lost love….this time, a ship supposedly went down, and the subject is waiting to see if he gets a letter from his wife who was supposed to be traveling on it.  The melancholy nature of the man’s yearning blends gorgeously in with the guitar, tympanis, and mandolin.  Grade:  B+

"16 Military Wives":  This isn’t so much a story-song as it is a war protest song.  Though the topic is pretty controversial, the beat and chorus are insanely catchy, and Colin’s use of numbers throughout the songs lyrics is pretty genius.  I also love the balance of drums, tambourine, horns, and organ on the bridge.  The best song on the album.  Grade:  A+

"The Engine Driver":  What’s cool about this song is the way that the snare drums and guitar play off other to create a subtle train-like sound.  The female backing vocals really help enhance the chorus, and the accordion is a nice touch.  Grade:  B

"On The Bus Mall":  Right from “Engine Driver” we segue into the next track, about two male prostitutes in Portland (!!!) using the public transit system to, um, do business.  Colin’s guitar work is heavily featured here, as is some great rim percussion work.  It’s the type of song that, while long, is one you can just sit on your bed listening to on a quiet afternoon.  Grade:  A

"The Mariner’s Revenge Song":  And now we get to the song that inspired this article’s title.  Oh, this is a fun one.  Basically, the subject is telling a fellow sailor, whom he is trapped with in the belly of a whale (not sure if that literally or figuratively) the story of how this guy was taken in by the narrator’s mom, only to completely screw her over.  As he relives his mother’s situation, the female band member briefly takes over as the mother and tells her son to go get revenge in very graphic and gruesome ways.  While the narrator is telling his “friend” the story, his tone becomes increasingly creepy and obsessed with revenge, and the song ends just before he can finish him off and become vindicated.  While all this is going on in the lyrics, accordion and tambourine accompany, and make me want to do a Russian folk dance.  And I don’t mean that as a bad thing.  Grade:  A+

"Of Angels and Angles":  The last song is a stark contrast to the long, raucousness of the previous track.  This one is short, soft, and only has some acoustic finger-picking.  And yes, lyrically, it’s about yet more death and suicide.  Whee.  Grade:  B+

And there you have it.  Considering the many songs about death, one would think this album was just a flat-out downer.  However, there are enough up-tempo tracks to keeps a little variety in the album, and even the depressing songs have some really beautiful elements.  It’s a great album worth checking out, especially if you like hearing unique instruments tied in with more traditional ones.

Recommended Songs:  “16 Military Wives,” “On The Bus Mall,” “Eli, The Barrow Boy,” “The Mariner’s Revenge Song,” “The Infanta”

Until next time…..long live sore hips and ticked-off sailors.

Shortcuts By Steve: How To Appear Muscular Without Working Out

He's back. He remains better than you. Do not cross him. He smells fear.

Tiger Tunes: Stromata - Dancing, Milk Jugs, And A Bunch Of Pills

Hi kids.  Are you in the mood for some s’mores?  I sure am.  Oh, but not just because I long for the feel of smooth, velvety chocolate.  Not because I have a carnal hunger for billowy, fluffy marshmallows.  Not because I know my body will be satisfied with the sweetness and semi-healthiness of graham crackers.  And certainly not because I want to see a bunch of mindless Greek pledges and middle schoolers try to egg each other on in a game of Chubby Bunny.

 No, I mainly want some s’mores because I feel like sitting around a campfire and telling you all a story.  A story of hope, rejection, and redemption.  A story of underappreciation and recognition.  A story of a fair musical maiden by the name of Charlotte Martin.

Before going into the music industry, Charlotte competed in the Miss Teen USA pageant, then went to Eastern Illinois University to study opera and vocal performance.

OMG!  Did you hear that, Music Industry?!  An artist that actually knows a lot about music!  Sacre bleu!  Que horror!  Hoe afschuwelijk!  Oh il mio dio!! Oh mein Gott!! OH ο Θεός μου!  哎呀!

Anyhoo, after graduation, she moved to Los Angeles and began writing albums and EPs independently, before signing with RCA Records in 2002.  While RCA released one of the EPs shortly after her signing, they pretty much messed around and “sat on me”  (according to one interview) until late 2004, when her first full-length album, titled On Your Shore, was released.

Of course, Charlotte isn’t the only artist that RCA and Clive “The Dinosaur” Davis has screwed the pooch with, but that’s for another article down the road.

Charlotte left RCA in 2005,  just before touring to promote 2 EPs she had written in preparation for her second full-length album, Stromata.  She signed with Dinosaur Fight Records in early 2006 and released Stromata in September.  Since then, she and husband Ken Andrews own their own label, where Charlotte continues to write, record, and produce her own music.  While her foray into the mainstream music world was brief, she still continues today to bring new and interesting music to fans and music lovers all over the world.

I discovered Charlotte’s music 2 years ago with On Your Shore,and subsequently purchased Stromata plus several extra songs.   Between the 2 albums, I was at a loss as to which one to review.  On Your Shore, though controlled more by The Dinosaur and his minions, was a very solid effort with great acoustic piano material and a very Tori-meets-Sarah sound.  However, after splitting from RCA, Charlotte really let her artistic creativity rip and came up with an extremely different yet extremely intriguing album that includes everything from piano to synthesizers to milk jugs.  Yeah, you read that right.

So, my lovelies, I’ve decided to take a deeper look into the weird, wonderful world of Stromata.  Make more s’mores, mix more hot chocolate, sit back, and enjoy the melodies.

"Stromata":  Right off the bat, we get a pounding, piano-synthesizer tune and more influence from Tori Amos.  Lyrically, it’s very unclear what the song is about, but the song title refers to connective tissue frameworks of bodily organs.  So maybe she minored in Biology.  Grade: B+

"Cut The Cord":  Here Charlotte talks about the difficulty of freeing oneself from a toxic relationship.  Though the lyrics almost get a little drowned out in places, the jungle drum beats are really really cool.  Grade:  A-

"Drip":  I’ve heard conflicting information on what this song is about.  Some say it’s about being aware of your body and sexuality (like a “birds and the bees” song).  Some say it’s about eating disorders.  Some say it’s about a struggling relationship.  Whatever the meaning, the synth work is really neat, and the chorus really catchy.  One of the top songs on the album.  Grade:  A+

"Little Universe"":  This is probably the most experimental track on the album, with major synth and keyboard work.  While it’s a cool sound, it’s almost a little TOO electronic sounding and comes off as a little creepy.  Grade:  B-

"Civilized":  Here Charlotte takes on a more angry, Fiona-esque vibe, with fast-pace piano and drums.  And I think this song is about a breakup after the guy got caught cheating.  Maybe.  It’s a little hard to tell.  Grade:  B+

"A Hopeless Attempt":  The keyboard takes on a very melancholy tone as Charlotte sings about the pointlessness of rekindling a dead relationship.  It has almost a bit of a “lullaby” feel to it, like the subject is supposed to be crying herself to sleep.  It’s both soft and powerful at the same time.  Grade:  A-

"Four Walls":  This is another heavily-synthed arrangement, though it’s not as intense and creepy as “Little Universe.”  It’s a smidge on the filler side, but still an interesting track.  Grade:  B

"Inch":  Here, it’s a simple piano arrangement to a song about not letting a significant other get too close.  The riffs are beautiful, though a tiny bit draggy.  Grade:  B+

"Keep Me In Your Pocket":  The pace of the album picks up with this track, which uses a quirky,  absurdly catchy mix of finger-snapping, clock-ticking, and the aforementioned milk jugs.  The chorus and the bridge especially stick in your head for days.  Grade:  A+

"Pills":  Now THIS is artistry!  On the surface, you have simple lyrics describing a list of different kinds of pills, set to a jaunty, quirky piano rhythm and a fun little chorus of “Baaaaa-ba-ba-ba-ba-baaaa.”  Sounds cute and fun, right?  Actually, this song is about a drug addict who has taken so many pills that he goes out and steps in front of a train (yes, there are train sounds, too).  The cleverest song on the album.  Gotta love morbid irony.  Grade:  A+

"Just Before Dawn":  Charlotte shows off more of her versatility and immense talent by composing and singing an operatic track entirely in German.  Though it’s very short at 1:15, the song does a phenomenal job of allowing Charlotte to show off a powerful, 3-octave range.  It’s heartbreaking that artists like her get passed up for bimbos like Ke$ha.  Grade:  A+

"Cardboard Ladders":  It’s another lyrically cryptic song, but the piano and the echoing vocals give it a lush, majestic beauty.  Grade:  B+

"The Dance":  This is probably Charlotte’s most well-known song, and, in an album of very strong songs, the strongest one on the entire thing.  It has been used in the show So You Think You Can Dance,  among other places.  Its play count on my iTunes is one of the very highest.  As for the arrangement, the knee-slapping cadence is incredibly infectious, despite giving me the urge to go leaping thought a meadow playing a piccolo.  However, the slow build of the intensity of the piano throughout the song, mixed with the backing vocals singing “Amen” like a choir is absolutely exquisite.  There really aren’t enough words to describe how cool this song is.  Grade:  A+

"Redeemed":  The title and lyrics to this song are self-explanatory.  I love the soft, lingering piano riff transitioning to a more pounding intensity halfway through the song.  It’s a great way to end a really cool album.  Grade:  A+

This is usually the point where I sum up my overall feelings about the album and bid you all adieu for the week.  However, there is one more song that is not on the album that I want to review anyway. 

One of the EPs released before Stromata was titled Veins, and included several songs that were included on the album.  Yet the title track was not.  So I’m going to review it.  Why?  ‘Cause it’s cool.  And I just wanna.

Veins:  This song uses a little bit of religious imagery within the lyrics to portray self confidence and self-acceptance without the need to be revived.  The arrangement is electronic, ethereal, and creepy, yet very cool with pounding drums and a bridge of repeated hallelujahs.  It’s another song that has had many repeated plays on my iTunes, and I do think it’s a shame that it wasn’t included on the album.  Grade:  A+

NOW you have it!  Stromata may have its fair share of strange, experimental arrangements, but the array of sounds does a brilliant job of showcasing Charlotte’s musicianship and versatility.  Many of the lyrics take a page from Tori Amos and become a bit confusing, but they also make you think and try to come up with your own interpretations.  And if you ask me, someone who can write music that triggers lots of thought and deciphering is someone who deserves all the recognition in the world.

Recommended Songs:  “The Dance,” “Pills,” “Drip,” “Veins,” “Keep Me in Your Pocket,” “Cut The Cord,”  “A Hopeless Attempt,” “Just Before Dawn,” “Redeemed”

Until next time….long live s’mores..